Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking
down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep" asked the man?
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You
have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer.
Twice.
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into
Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the
ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't
REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided
to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered,
"about 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer.
"Name them."
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along
and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and
down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that
your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the
bloody stump where his left arm had once been.
"Where's my Rolex???"
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the object's on display he discovers a detailed, life sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Ah, so; twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and one thousand dollars for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, sir," he replies, "but I'll buy the rat." The transaction is complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from the sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and, as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously. Now, not just thousands but millions of rats. So that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge, a train of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post. Grasping the light post with one arm, he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other; as far out as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Oh, so you've come back for the story of the rat," says the owner. "No, no .. " says the tourist, "I was just wondering if you have a little bronze statue of a lawyer."
A lawyer was visiting a farmer on business. When he stepped out of his Mercedes in the farmyard he stepped into a cow dropping. Looking down he cried "my god I'm melting!"
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle
and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
One day, a man rubbed a lamp.
A genie popped out of the lamp and said, "You have three wishes. I will
grant whatever you wish for, but remember, every lawyer in the world
gets twice as much as you wish for, so be careful what you wish for."
The man said, "that's easy! I want a million dollars."
A big pile of cash appeared in front of him.
"Now, each lawyer has two million.
The man said, "never mind! I am happy as long as I have my million. Now,
I want a Mercedes."
A red Mercedes appeared in front of him and the genie said, "Now, each
lawyer has two of these."
The man was happier than ever. He thought about his last wish, and said,
"You know, I have always wanted to donate a kidney..."
Guy goes to a restaurant and is confronted with a subpoena. Being frustrated the man says loudly "All Lawyers are Jerks". One guy stands up and says "Hey, I resent that remark". So the guy asks "Are you a lawyer?" The guy responds, "No, I'm a Jerk!"
